My boyfriend is having a baby with his ex. What should I do?

by Jessica
(Austrailia)

Question: I've been dating this guy for about 3 months now and we are going great and are really falling for each other. But the problem is that from the start I knew that his ex from about half a year ago is pregnant with his child. Lately we haven't really discussed it. I've kind of forgotten about it for a while but its beginning to come up in my mind recently. When we did discuss it at the beginning of the relationship I told him I don't wanna be with him if it's getting in the middle of anything with his ex or if he's just going out with me to piss this girl off or as a rebound, or if he still has feelings for her/ loves her because I know that they had a very on and off hate love relationship.

But he finally put an end to the drama fest with his ex before he met me and BEFORE he knew that his ex was pregnant. He told me straight out that he hates her and doesn't want anything to do with his ex or the child ever. He seemed very certain about it when he spoke about it, very clear that he doesn't want a baby with her.

She is still going ahead with the baby and having it, trying to trap him and get him back..this is why he doesn't want to have anything to do with the baby to show her she cant trap him and won't. I know for sure he doesn't speak to her because I'm always with him and if he does speak with her he shows me every message. He is not a bad person and overall a really good guy with a good heart. He is just trapped in this situation and doesn't know what to do and I don't know how I can help. His ex also is very immature and tries to abuse me. What should I do?

Answer from Coach Theresa: Hi Jessica,

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It is not an easy one to unravel and I do wish you the best in sorting this out.

First of all, I want to explain that some of the biggest causes for relationship failure is what I call "toxic exes" and "not being a grown up" and your current boyfriend is dealing with both of these issues. Anytime someone is not taking responsibility for getting themselves into a situation or they are placing blame on someone else, they are "not being a grown up". "Adults" take responsibility for their actions, they keep their houses clean, pay bills on time, keep their promises, show up on time, and they don't blame someone else for their bad choices.

You guy attracted that drama-filled relationship to begin with. Trust me when I say that even though men say they DON'T want drama, they are often the ones who attract the drama queens. Next, and I know that you know this, to get pregnant, you have to have sex… without protection or without adequate protection. If he says, "Well, she said she was on the pill", then he was expecting HER (the drama queen) to accept ALL responsibility for birth control and now he is blaming her for getting pregnant. If he has some other excuse, it's just an excuse. Regardless of how it happened, he is NOT taking responsibility for his situation, and ergo, he is not being a grown up. Even if he hates her and wants nothing to do with his child, that could change as he gets older. Do you really want to be with a man who abandons his child? He will still have to pay child support and deal with her for the next 18 years (or possibly have his wages garnished to pay support). At some point, he may feel guilty for not being a supportive dad and that child might show up at his door as an adult and say, "You were never there for me! How could you do that to a child??"

And all of this is VERY indicative of how your future could be with him. He seems great now, but he is someone that has a "victim mentality" and it will eventually find a way into your relationship with him. At some point, he will find a way to blame you for the issues that you have together. It might not seem like that now because he seems good to you, but unless he does some personal growth work to change his mentality, it will still be there. He needs to be a grown up man and accept responsibility for his choice to have sex with someone he was on and off with and get her pregnant. He needs to set boundaries with how and when she can talk to him or you, sign legal agreements about child support/future custody, etc. That is what grown ups do. He needs legal counsel for this, and possibly therapy to help him through it. And, if he refuses, that is just another indicator that he is not an adult.

Just some things to think about…

Next, the problem with "toxic exes". I don't know her but she sounds pretty toxic. It doesn't sound like she's going away anytime soon, so if you choose to continue to be with him, you are also choosing to be with his baggage. A toxic ex can ruin any good relationship, so you need to think long and hard before you continue on your current path. No one can abuse you unless you allow it.

The one question you haven't asked me is "Why did I attract a man with so much baggage to begin with?" Do you have a history of attracting unavailable men or men with issues, men who act like victims, men who are good guys but have one major fatal flaw? I would read Barbara D'Angelis' book "Are you the one for me?" to understand more about this. Seriously, go run out and buy it right now and read it. You can probably order it on Amazon for a dollar. And there are good resources available, like EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) for clearing out old issues. We often attract the best and worst characteristics of our parents and repeat those over and over in our relationships.

Bottom line, I'm sorry to say this, but I really don't see how this can work out. If I were you, I would get out now before it gets any more serious. Then I would find a good coach or buy a program like "Finding the Love you want" by Stefan Gonick (it's an online program to release old patterns that keep you from really good relationships). Then, you will attract a man who can be with you 100% without any excess drama or baggage and treat you the way you deserve. You don't need drama in your life. You deserve WAY better. You deserve love in an adult relationship.

I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear. I wish you the best.

Take care,
Coach Theresa