"You're a really cool girl," or "I think you are super cool,"... Over the last several years I've heard many men say this to me. I didn't really think twice about it because I'd heard it so often from men I was dating, along with, "I've never met a woman like you - there's no drama." I didn't think they were saying it just to try to sleep with me; they were being sincere in their compliments. The guys who said I was cool kept calling...
But some of my single girlfriends had never heard this said to them and were struggling to get dates and maintain relationships and I wanted to find out why. So, I decided to go to my guy friends and ask about this phenomenon -- the "cool girl" -- and what men think about it.
What do men find attractive? According to my male friends, co-workers, and my guy roommate, being referred to as a "cool girl" is one of the highest compliments a man can give a woman! And, it is an inference that she is someone they want to keep spending time with. Wow! I guess all those years of reading dating and relationship books had paid off! LOL But what about it makes a woman attractive?
They also told me that the opposite of the cool girl is the "drama queen", a.k.a. "the psycho" or the "crazy b***h" or "the hysterical/emotional basket case", and no self-respecting man wants to be with any of those! However, you may notice that some men constantly attract those kinds of women. Well, that is how the Law of Attraction works -- focus on something, wanted or unwanted over and over, and you will bring it into your experience! Since like attracts like, men who attract drama queens are often "drama kings" themselves - insecure, needy, fearful, control freaks, etc!
And some women who think they are "cool girls" are actually, in fact, drama queens! Like in the movie, When Harry Met Sally," Billy Crystal's character says, "The worst kind is the woman who is high maintenance, but thinks she's low maintenance." I think a lot of women don't know when they are being drama queens! They don't think that what they are doing in relationships and on dates is an issue, but then they wonder why they have all these problems! Ring, Ring! Clue phone... it's for you!
Since you probably don't want to attract a "drama king", follow this dating advice for women to work on your inner "cool girl" and attract a good guy who will treat you like the prize that you are. And if you see yourself in any of the drama queen descriptions then you know where you will need to do some work on how you relate to men (and, to other people for that matter)...
So, after polling (and grilling, lol) my guy friends (especially my roommate), about what men want in a relationship, what men like, and what do men find attractive, here's what men think about what makes a "cool girl" or "cool woman" and makes him want to spend time with you:
- Cool girls have a real sense of humor. They don't take things too seriously, can easily laugh at themselves and find something fun or humorous in nearly every situation. Translation = With humor and laughter, they make a man feel comfortable.
- Cool girls have their own happy and fulfilling life so they don't need a man to entertain them all the time and don't feel bummed if he isn't spending all of his time with them. Translation = He doesn't feel smothered.
- Cool girls are cool with guy time and understand that men need to hang and be guys, just like we need to chill out or talk on the phone with our girlfriends. In fact, cool girls intuitively understand that having some time apart from our guys is necessary so we don't lose ourselves in the relationship. Translation = He feels like he has space and freedom to be himself. There's no "ball and chain".
- Cool girls don't complain -- either they look on the bright side of the situation, look for a solution to it, or they ask their guy for an opinion on how to solve something. (And my guys wanted me to add that men LOVE to be asked their opinion!) Translation = He doesn't feel powerless to solve unsolvable problems; He feels like your knight in shining armor when he helps you solve something.
- Cool girls don't try to control guys or rescue them. They let their man do their own thing and learn from his mistakes. And they don't try to control all of the situations they are in either or make everyone do what THEY think they should do; they go with the flow and let everyone follow their own path. Translation = He feels respected and admired to make his own decisions, and if plans need to change, he's happy that she is flexible.
- Cool girls don't "people-please" men or do things to try to get them to like them more or to spend more time with them. They set boundaries with their time and energy and know that if they have to jump through hoops for a guy, he's not the right one. Translation = He can't get away with crap with a girl who respects herself.
- Cool girls know how to ask for their needs in a non-demanding way. (More on how to have a "needs conversation" in another section. Link coming soon!) Translation = He feels safe to say no to requests (without retribution) and he feels safe to talk about his feelings and needs with her as well.
- Cool girls don't try to get validation from men - they have internal validation and know that whatever ideas or feelings they have are ok just as they are. Translation = He doesn't have to constantly reassure her that things are ok, she looks ok, etc. and he feels relieved.
- Cool girls are authentic, honest, loyal and forthright. They don't play games, don't lead a man on when they're not interested, don't hide information, don't cheat, and don't cause drama. Translation = He feels respected and trusting of her.
- Cool girls know that if they are secure in who they are and treat themselves as valuable treasures, men will feel and treat them the same way. Translation = He thinks she is a prize worth winning.
The opposite of the Cool Girl or Cool Woman is the Drama Queen. She might be a girl that a guy will have sex with a few times and she may even become a girlfriend, but she's too "high maintenance" for the long haul and he doesn't want to bring her home to Mom, and possibly not even meet his friends.
Here's what my guys said about what men think regarding drama queens:
- Drama queens take everything seriously and everything personally. If the barista gets her coffee order wrong, she feels personally attacked. Translation = He can't possible please her or make her happy and he can't take her anywhere because she finds fault with everything.
- Drama queens need a man in their lives in order to feel happy and will get into a relationship with the wrong guy to avoid being alone and then criticize him for not measuring up to her expectations or constantly break up with him when she is frustrated. Translation = He feels like he's constantly walking on eggshells, and eventually will get tired of being abused.
- When a drama queen does manage to get a boyfriend, she expects him to spend all of his free time with her and she pouts, complains or makes a big deal of it if he doesn't. She makes a fuss if he wants to spend some time with the guys since she ditches her friends and former activities to be with him and expects him to do the same. Translation = She's too much work and too needy. He has to constantly jump through hoops and spend all of his free time to make her happy and he already works a 40 hour week.
- Drama queens complain about everything, especially things that can't be solved. She'll complain about noisy neighbors, not having enough closet space in her apartment, and a messy roommate, but refuse to move. Translation = He wants to solve her problems but there's no solution so he feels powerless. He never feels like he "wins".
- Drama queens are control freaks and rescuers. They don't trust or believe that their men can function without their input - they will even go so far as to fight their man's battles for them! They tell their guys what to wear, what to eat, when to take a nap, ad nauseam, and treat them like little boys. They try to control every situation and make a stink if it doesn't go their way. Translation = He feels emasculated and over time he not only becomes resentful, but he loses his ability to make decisions for himself.
- Drama queens "people-please" men and bend over backwards doing nice things to try to get them to like them more or to spend more time with them. They don't know how to say no so they don't set any boundaries with their time and energy and therefore, they get taken advantage of. Translation = As long as he gives her a little attention, he has free brownies, free sex and a maid.
- Drama queens make demands when they want something and whine, cajole and manipulate when he can't or won't meet those demands. Translation = He thinks "she's just another crazy-emotional-drama-queen" who is always bossing me around and it's only a matter of time before it's not worth the free sex to keep seeing her.
- Drama queens are constantly looking for validation from men - they dress provocatively or flirt sexually to get attention (the WRONG attention) from men, they ask their boyfriends questions that put him between a rock and a hard place like, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" (NO man wants to answer questions like that ever!!) and they brag about themselves or fish for compliments. Translation = He thinks she's got low self-esteem, and has lower value and he gets tired of the constant reassurance he has to dole out.
- Drama queens are fake, lie by omission, and manipulate to get what they want. They don't always know when they're playing games, but they'll lead a man on when they're not interested because they are worried about hurting his ego, they'll hide information about themselves to sound more appealing (one girl my roommate dated didn't tell him she had a 12 yr old son until they'd been out 10 times!). They don't respect themselves or their man so they allow themselves to get into situations where the temptation is there to cheat, and basically cause drama. Translation = He feels used.
- Drama queens are insecure and clingy - if they go to a party with their guy, they stick to him like glue all night. Translation = He feels like a babysitter.
What men want in a relationship is a cool girl, not a drama queen. If you want to attract a great guy, you need to BE a great girl.
So, are you committed to being a "cool girl"?
Next up... What men want - a woman who is authentic
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