What will you ABSOLUTELY NOT put up with in a relationship??? These are your "deal breakers" -- the items that make you want to say "ICK!" or would make you unhappy, upset or unwell if your guy had them. And sometimes they are the opposite of the Must Haves that you listed in the last section.
It's just as important to know who NOT to date as it is to know who TO date.
Despite a person having many other good qualities, a dating deal breaker qualifies as something that YOU just can't seem to overlook because ultimately it outweighs the good a person might possess. Deal breakers are those behaviors, character quirks/traits or physical characteristics that NO amount of hotness can overcome. And they do not need to be a "good" reason by society's standards, but are specific and individual to what YOU want for a compatible relationship. It's when you say, "No way, I can't date a guy like that. That's a total deal breaker."
Examples of some possible deal breakers:
Bad grammar. A hairy back. Yelling in public. Being rude to waiters. Lying. Lateness. Shyness. Promiscuity. Being constantly on a cell phone talking or texting while on a date. A guy who is shorter than you by 5 inches. Talking about wanting to get married and have kids on a first date. Being condescending or acting superior. Hasn't had a job in years. No car. Still lives with mom and uses HER car. Flakiness... You get the idea!
I once had a guy advertise himself as "late 30's" with brown hair (he didn't have a picture). Over the phone he told me he smoked pot "once in a while" and I asked how often was "once in a while" and he said, "Not very often". When we met he admitted to being 43 (but thought he LOOKED late 30's - yeah, right), he had mostly gray hair (not brown) and after dinner asked if I minded if he "lit up a joint" because actually, he was a functional stoner! He was a liar and pothead. Deal breaker!
I met another guy at a speed dating event and I was pretty excited about him until the middle of our first date when he confessed to having an online gambling addiction (he'd lost thousands of $$$). That was a deal breaker in and of itself, but then he went on to tell me that he'd been looking for "something different" and he wasn't gay, but he'd been going to "special" bars and dancing with trannies! Not that there's anything wrong with that, but not what I want for my life partner! Gambling and trannies = Dating deal breaker!
Basically, what's the one thing he does that could turn you off immediately?
Also, sometimes when you ask the Universe to send you what you want, you will immediately also get a bunch of what you don't want, just to make sure you are extra clear!
The key is to "weed and delete" men quickly so you don't waste any of your precious time or hurt feelings on either side. Just one fatal flaw or compatibility time bomb could ruin a great relationship!
Yours will probably be different, but here are my top twelve deal breakers in no particular order (and a little explanation why they are on my list):
- Smoking (this needs no explanation - ICK!)
- Heavy drinking/drugs (including pot - I can't deal with someone who is numbed out all the time)
- Unhappy/negative and doesn't like his job, roommate, life, Los Angeles (that's where I live), whatever -- basically a chronic complainer
- Morning people (I have to set an alarm to get up at 8 and I like to snuggle in the morning and I've found that morning men like to be "up and at 'em" while I'm still lounging in bed)
- Pets (I'm allergic)
- Kids that live with them/workaholic (scheduling issues and they can't make me a priority)
- Flaky, late, irresponsible (not respectful of me and my time)
- Not physical affection (incompatible love language)
- Serious Republican or really religious or both (I'm usually too liberal and spiritual for them)
- Snores (I'm a light sleeper)
- Bad manners (self explanatory - can't take them out in public!)
- Too soon after last relationship - obvious rebound
Of course, there are other obvious deal breakers like: married, still living with ex, age 35 and still lives at home with parents, doesn't have a car, chronically unemployed, felon, incarcerated, bad temper, doesn't want to give out home phone number/email (paranoid or cheating), toxic exes, too much of an age difference, etc. etc. etc.
Some of these are sooo obvious to me that I don't even put them on my list. In fact, I don't even attract those people!
It always seems strange to me when a client or friend says, "He's a great guy, EXCEPT..." and then they list one of their deal breakers, like "He has 3 big dogs plus his kids that take up all of his time so we can't hang out much," or "He just got out of this really bad relationship and can't commit to being a boyfriend again yet," or whatever...
The point is that if you stick to your deal breakers and don't date men who have them, you'll end up happier. You won't be someone who has to justify or make excuses why the guy you are is seeing is not treating you better!
Ok, make your own list now. Put them at the bottom of your Who Is My Soulmate List for quick reference. In a later section, I'll give you some special dating advice on how to weed out the wrong guys by asking the right questions based on your deal breakers and your compatibility list...
We're getting close to finalizing the list of your ideal man. Almost there!
Next up... Create your True Love Story!
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