I'm in love but he's taken - should I give up on him?

Question: I'm in my third year of college and have been strongly attracted to a guy at my school for that entire time (I'm 20 and he's 21). We're friends and have a strong connection - we really click. I was in a 2-year relationship during that time, but was attracted to this guy the whole time, not my boyfriend. It's both his personality and appearance that I'm attracted to. We are both extremely quirky and weird. It's impossible for me to find other people who I respect so much, whose humor I enjoy so much, and who is delightfully quirky enough for me. The problem is that he's in a 3-year relationship. I respect his relationship and their happiness and wouldn't want to try to ruin that. However, I really think I could make him happy and I think we go together perfectly. I am desperately in love with the idea of dating him, but want to be rational and not get my hopes up. He and his girlfriend live together and there is a possibility that they'll marry in a few years. He told my friend that he won't be thinking about marriage any time soon, but I'm not sure that means he has any intentions of ever breaking up with her. All my friends tell me not to give up and to get as close to him as possible. I want to believe them, but it's driving me insane wondering if I'll ever have a chance with him. What should I do?


Answer from Coach Theresa: Hi there. Thanks for writing in. First of all, even though you and this guy "click", you are just friends. What is really going on is that you like the "fantasy" idea of him since you have some similar traits, are attracted to him, and get along as friends. If HE thought that you were meant to be, he would have already broken it off with his girlfriend to find a way to be with you. When a man meets a girl who he thinks is "the one", his head will spin trying to find a way to be with her and he will move heaven and earth to do so. This is not the case between you guys. You are/were in a relationship and he is also... AND... and he living with her. That doesn't look like it will be changing anytime soon and keeping your hopes up will just set you up for a life of misery and unrequited love. If you were meant to be, the Universe would have ALREADY found a way for you guys to be together!

Next... stay away from unavailable men. They cause drama and who needs that?? And never listen to a friend who tells you to not give up on an unavailable man. Many a woman has spent years in an affair waiting for a man to leave his wife (at the insistence of her friends), only to end up alone or to finally "get" him, only for him to end up leaving her at some point for ANOTHER woman he ends up having an affair with.

And what is the deal with your current boyfriend? Are you still together? If you've been attracted to someone else the entire time and are just dating him so as not to be alone, how do you think that would make him feel if he knew? Ouch. Everyone deserves to be with someone who cherishes and adores them 100%, so if you are not that into your boyfriend, you owe it to him to break it off so that both of you can find other people who are better matches for each other.

So, here's what you should do: Go to my Your Romantic Compatibility List page and make your list and include the qualities that this guy has that you like. Trust me when I say this, there are tens of thousands of men out there who are quirky and weird and funny, etc. and will match you and will be AVAILABLE when you are. Read the other pages on "must haves", "deal breakers", etc. and add all this to your list. Anytime you meet or date someone, compare them to your list. Add a point for everything they have in each category and divide it by the number of possible points. (So let's say he get 5 out of 10 possible points in the emotional style category, you are only compatible in that area by 50%). Then you can quickly see how compatible you are. You really need 90% or better compatibility to really make things work. And let go of anyone who is less than that.

Next, make a list of your own positive traits that make you a special and unique and awesome partner. If you focus on both lists and feel good, someone closer to your list that thinks you are amazing will show up! That is how the Law of Attraction works.

Meeting and getting to know your friend is just a sign from the Universe that awesome, quirky, funny men are out there because you've met one! So now it is time to ask the Universe for one that is available and let that other guy move on with his life and relationship.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Take care and happy dating!

Coach Theresa

Click here to post comments

Return to Open for Questions:.