I caught my boyfriend in a lie. What do I do now?
(United Arab Emirates)
Question: My boyfriend gave me his Facebook password a long time ago, and I don't know why but I logged in and I checked his personal messages. Then I discovered that he told one of his friends about me. And when I asked him did you tell anyone about our relationship his answer was no, although before asking him I told him please be honest and I won't be mad whatever your answer is. I really want him to say the truth but I don't know what to do! HELP PLEASE!
Answer from Coach Theresa:
Ok, first of all, just the very act of logging onto his Facebook and then checking his personal messages means that you had some thoughts going on of fear, worry, maybe cheating or whatever. That means that YOU were not a full-on trusting partner. Maybe you have had issues with previous boyfriends in the past, but he is not one of those guys and the present is not the past.
Next, you haven't told me why it's important that your boyfriend NOT tell anyone about your relationship, so what's the big deal about him telling someone? If you are an awesome girlfriend, he might want to shout it from the rooftops! LOL. Plus, he may have forgotten that he told someone, or, more likely, he does not want to upset you just because he did something he wanted to do. It wasn't like he was cheating on you, he just told a friend.
When someone lies, it is because they are afraid of your response. He may have been conditioned from an early age to only do what he is told and possibly feels guilt if he does something that would disappoint someone. So, this is not about you.
This is about his issues with trusting that everything will be OK if he tells the truth. You can say it til you are blue in the face, but this was how he was conditioned and that won't change easily. Obviously in his past, it was not OK to tell the truth or he would have. Some men expect women to be similar to ones they've dated before or to act like his parents and punish him. I don't know your boyfriend so I can't say for sure.
The best thing you can do now is to LET IT GO! How do you do that? Every time you think about it, you change your thought to something else by saying "I am willing to release this thought" then think about chocolate cake or a really cute baby or something that makes you happy.
Then start writing out a really long list of positive aspects of your boyfriend, like "He gives me a hug when I come in the door. He's smart. He makes me laugh. He took me out to dinner and paid," and read and re-read your list and add to it daily, so you continue to feel good about him. When your boyfriend is honest with you about something, be appreciative. Be a trusting partner and give him the benefit of the doubt. You can't read his mind and you can't control what someone does or doesn't do.
If you have lingering fears or worries about him or your relationship, use a process like EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to clear it. There are tons of youtube videos on how to do that and I'll be adding my own soon to help out my readers.
I hope that helps.
Take care and happy dating,